Advice to late bloomers

Okay, so this is who I am: I didn’t kiss a girl til I was 19, and it was a stage kiss. Didn’t hook up with anyone til I was 21, and didn’t sleep with anyone til I was 22. I felt frustrated, sad, rejected, and often very lonely. I felt ashamed. I felt out of control, and less than. Let me take a moment and say that there is NOTHING wrong with you. At the risk of sounding like your dad, this stuff happens for everyone at different speeds.

Here’s what I didn’t do about it: Blame all women. Feel entitled to anyone’s body. You can’t do this. Seriously, you can’t. While it might sound like a dream come true for a woman to walk up to you and grab your junk or your ass, as someone who’s had this done to me, non-consensually, no, it isn’t fucking cool, and it feels nasty and violating. So you can’t do it to anyone else. I mean, look – why would you WANT to make someone feel shitty? And yes, it DOES make women feel shitty. So if you’re doing this, STOP.

(My dad raised me with a lot of respect for women, and he was a great husband. I remember saying some dumb shit at like 8 like “Dad, you MAKE the money, you should decide what to do with it!” because I wanted him to buy a new computer for me or something. My dad knocked that bullshit down real fast, and made clear to me that money decisions are JOINT decisions between him and my mom. Thanks for being a radical communist, dad!)

And before you think I’m getting up on a high horse, let me say that I was far from perfect. Did I say dumb shit like “Women hate me!”? Maybe it was because I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself and being socially awkward as hell. It wasn’t “all women.” It was just something that was happening in my life. Let me say to y’all late bloomers – it sucks. I feel you. It’s hard feeling like you’re being left behind by your peers. It’s hard feeling like the odd man out. I have sympathy for you, because I still have sympathy for 21 year old me.

Here’s what you do: Keep your chin up. Exercise. Stay in good shape. Don’t give up. Experience and learn from the people around you. Be interested in them as people and they’ll become interested in you. You’ll connect emotionally. Even if doesn’t turn into something romantic, that’s not a bad thing! You have a new friend! That’s a great thing! Your new friend has friends! Meet them too! Think of all the cool stuff you’re going to do together and learn from each other.

Develop hobbies with social groups built into them. The poetry scene was a literal lifesaver for me. I heard people’s hearts, their suffering, their joy, their anger – I learned how to relate to people through their art and my own. Maybe you’re not a poet – that’s cool! Find something that other people are doing that you like, and do it with them. Maybe it’s the Ren Faire. Maybe it’s running track or craft beers or square dancing! Learn to do it well, and meet other people who are passionate about it! A well-rounded person is easier to love.

Late bloomers, let me say: the greatest achievement in life is not becoming an alpha male. That’s nothing but a thin balloon, full of hot air, that reality easily bursts. The greatest achievement in life is making the world a better place, in big and small ways. The greatest achievement is taking care of the people around you. Be there for them. They’ll return the favor. Even if they don’t, you have the satisfaction of knowing you did the right thing.

I’m 31 and happily married. I have a real life partner who’s been with me through my mother’s death, my grandmother’s death, and a major job loss (all in one giant, shitty year). And I’m there for her. That is the greatest feeling in the world, and you’ll have it someday. Don’t worry what other people are doing – just worry about being the best person you can be. Become a person worth loving, and love will eventually find you.

To more jerkass late bloomers: you think you want sex. You don’t want sex. You want to feel less lonely and more empowered. Take a step back, man, and realize that when the dark of night falls over your bed that what you want is not more sex, it’s more love. Love yourself first, and this searing need for validation through traditional channels of masculinity will fade. Your worth is not connected to how many girls you sleep with.